with Lavender

I tend to blow things up bigger than they are - this keeps me from seeing the simple truth - what is required is a shift a grateful shift - a willingness to share and the courage to say what hurts - I am afraid that if I write my true feelings that I will be stuck with a reality that isn't mine - once I get something out then and only then do I find shifting with ease possible - I can feel how much energy it takes to hold back - AM I creating conflict? The project that is dear to me involves children - I see everyday children/babies being fed the worst food - do they live on snacks? chips for breakfast etc. - when I walk into any corner store I am met with the filth of the store the lack of real choice and products and poison - the candy is cheap and right at the place where you checkout - the other day I told a mother about how I usually mind my own business (quiet scream) but the fact that she was feeding her BABY some of her frozen pop (frozen colored sugar that comes in a long plastic tube shape) I had to just say "Please don't give your baby that sugar at such a young age - he's a baby - it's dangerous" I see this all the time beautiful children with bows in their hair and cute clothes shoveling in garbage and leaving trash on the ground subway etc - I think everyday how to address this issue ( film or street theater(Manuel's idea) - I hadn't thought of street theater hmmmmmm see Rev. Billy - anyway I want to be respectful and create respect and awareness in an otherwise shut-down part of the community - EVERYWHERE - kids deserve a chance at greatness - I see what our children are fed and how as a huge part of the destruction or healing/creative of what gets passed on - I can also see it as a despite all that - beauty... but that is so much about acknowleging blessings - urban communities of color have serious problems and it is no accident that these areas have the worst food choices - Chinese restaurants with bullet-prooff glass ahhhhhh I want to say stop eating here(phone rings...) ok - there is a feeling from seeing the stores and what they offer and how they smell - there is a lack of farmer's markets (seeing where food comes from) and yet not all people in the community make bad choices I am constantly seeing yoga classes health food stores etc - so this project spills out a bit here as it comes together within me - I need beautiful and inspiring - - these are by no means final thoughts on this project and it is clear I will have to reach out to see this one through
I have made choices about the way I choose to raise Alithea that for me make it difficult for now to do my art - raising Sasha was different I had my mom and Thomai and Tom - even with Manuel who supports me and believes in me sooo much it has been a challenge - this time will shift as she gets older and there is a chance I will do this again so I need to be clear about myself and with myself and stand behind my choices and what I really feel is important to me at this time - I forget sometimes and get frustrated even comparing me (mama of Sasha to me mama of Alithea) why can't I seem to get any work done - I take responsiblity for the opportunities that I do and don't manifest - AHH just sort this out - we are creating such a beautiful life together and I don't want to make it seem like I am not grateful - I am so aware of all I have to be grateful for - I know what I needed in the past to work so what I must to is create new ways to work rather than waiting for those old spaces to open up because that could take awhile -
"you gotta be in hell to see heaven - glimpses from the land of the dead - a joy as old as suffering..." is what i am grateful to Patriarchy for - ahhhh so much blood for even my kind to exist (mixed)What are we here for ? here to go and here to honor and create what thrives- cherish with all of your being - yes your life is that light moving forward and leaving a mark (map) I am grateful that my sister shares with me and cares -
that i love writes