negative capability

it takes what it needs

Thinking it seems all the time - thinking as a way of using my ears I guess - I think of my sister and think of what breath teaches - at this moment it reminds me of other systems of body like digestion like blood even seeing - as in what the eye chooses - it takes what it needs - in the taking in the inhale all is taken in and needed in the eating all is taken in and needed - the body makes choices keeps this and discards that discards what is waste what is toxic as best is can - my body as it represents this time in my life is only taking what it needs my body is more honest than I am I have let a great deal in I guess I thought I needed it then or for later - I no longer pick metal up off the ground I no longer see circles on the ground who am I then - how can something so much of who i am be just there like memory - i would not question this if i were a child - i keep hearing that Lennon song about just sitting watching the wheels go round and round I jsut like to see them go ...I just had to let it go etc - something like that - I still think what i think about Patriarchy and would like to know what you think it is maybe we have different definitons of it - does that matter - maybe no matter what it is the time has come to create rather than mourn to not be so concerned that i can't move to remember that what Patriarchy has taken from us has always been there for those who see to see it and be authentic and remember - I know this because I know what i mourn is alive enough that it became my reason for working and source of many joys and confidence - even knowing what was lost finds it ya know - perhaps i will write what i think Patriarchy is and you and me will better understand something about my drive my quest I use to call it - so (phone ringing ) I forgot what i wanted to say - well understanding what P is has allowed me to have a context in which to understand a great deal of our history and practices it is something that seaps in everywhere - what food we have what our air quality is how we deal with each other why we live in cities what cities are parenting choices partner choices wars and nuclear weapons (manifested ways of thinking) and much more the list would connect it all like so many derivitives that all end up there - i wanted to know what was the one thing all this has in common and where did that come from - i landed on the idea that it came from the language itself from words - that is a whole can of words i mean worms - even Kristeva agrees that it is language - but since this is our social being we are screwed - oh this hurt and i won't accept it - that is were i have been I WON'T ACCEPT this defeat - oh but see we still have our choice of grace gods beauty love all of it is here - what can't be killed - all that doesn't play the same game as P and therefore is the world that never went away so maybe what my sister is saying is just choose that - i am no less for letting go perhaps that is my tool to seeing deeper - I held a stone the other day that told me to let the power that is already here assist me let it - that i make things too complex ( I am attracted to this) this stone was my thearpy session it went out my feet down in earth and i can call it up again at will - instead of concentrating on P i am creating - almost because i am still thinking - i can't sleep and i am filled with this buzz feeling - i really didn't mean to write won't accept in such large letters it looks funny - now that this is what needed to be exhaled I can go back in and utilize parts - i am changing and i am the same i am creating more space what i have gathered is doing what all good food does